Tag Archives: News Briefs

News Briefs for Monday, June 21

Italian police determined to get to root cause of the 70,000 blue balls they confiscated.

Stage mom in PR feud with cartoon whale. Whale winning.

Your moment of delicious irony for the day: Texas can’t afford to buy the far-right textbooks they want to force other states to adopt.

Texas GOP wants to make performing same-sex marriage ceremonies a felony. World waits with breathless anticipation for Texas Republicans to realize that they are now proposing criminalizing a Christian religious service.

Woman shocked to discover that Florida summers are only slightly cooler than Satan’s taint.

News Briefs for Friday, June 18

Researchers: Male menopause exists. In unrelated news, Harrison Ford
finally marries Calista Flockhart.

High-tech telescope begins search for extraterrestrial hazards. Phase 2: Recruit a team of teenagers with attitude.

Southwest Airlines discovers “improper” shipment of severed human heads. Delta Airlines discovers great new way to pack even more passengers onto flights.

Wal-Mart manager ostracizes gay employee, forces him to wear identifying vest. But employment non-discrimination laws are totally a special right.

News Briefs for Wednesday, June 16

California Prop. 8 backers now want legal gay marriages annulled, and your little dog, too.

Teabagging politician advocates violence against government, misquotes Thomas Jefferson. Hey, it’s a slow news day…

Two year study of NYC rat population determines that it is large, hard to catch, mostly lives underground. Also determined; two years is the longest amount of time a study can take to come to a blisteringly obvious conclusion.

Scientists studying Ozzy Osbourne’s genetic code. Soon the dream of parents wishing for a mini-Ozzy of their own will be satisfied.

News Briefs for Tuesday, June 14

Mexican matador arrested for possessing basic common sense.

Random splashes of paint found scattered around jail cell.

Act of God destroys Jesus statue, leaves porn store untouched. Mysterious ways, indeed…

McDonald’s COO: “The only ad we’ve created in years that people have responded positively to won’t air in the U.S. because the homo-gays don’t eat our swill.”

American arrested for attempting to kill Osama Bin Laden with a sword. Well, shoot, we’re out of ideas for getting him, now.

News Briefs for Friday, June 11

SC candidate Alvin Greene is almost certainly a green, leafy thing.

The Texas Oil and Gas Association is gearing up to file suit against the Environmental Protection Agency’s interest in flex permitting. All in all, this is probably the ideal news climate to do such a thing.

American social conservatives prepare to boycott Icelandic…uhm…Bjork albums and insolvent banks, we guess.

Obama looks to add “whale genocide” to his list of Presidential accomplishments.

News Briefs for Thursday, June 10

GM is now asking that from this point forward, all employees cease using the word “Chevy” and stick to “Chevrolet” for stronger brand recognition. Because clearly that’s their problem

Mr. T speaks out against sex-and-violence-filled A-Team movie, pines for salad days of blowing up helicopters all in good fun.

Inaccurately calibrated breath test machines have led to almost 400 wrongful DWI arrests, even sending some defendants to jail for five days. SEE, WE TOLD YOU WE WRENT DRUNLK

Related: school marm tarred and feathered for showing ankle to a man she isn’t related to.

News Briefs for Wednesday, June 9

Reasonable, non-condescending article on Dungeons & Dragons balanced out by comments section.

Science discovers that there’s no muscle exercised by calling someone gay over XBox Live.

California bans third party candidates from future ballots, will find some way to blame this on Gray Davis and/or illegal immigrants when this turns out to be a really bad idea.

The bad news: the oil spill in the Gulf may be cooking birds alive. The good news: KFC stocks are up.

Kid reportedly drinks beer at Phillies game; New York fans laugh at kid’s choice of watered-down domestic.