The world’s most horrible noise finally stricken from our television sets.
Rich people more likely to be deliberately delinquent on a mortgage than anyone else. Poor somehow responsible, we’re sure.
Catholic Church considers moving location of headquarters.
Israel clears itself of wrongdoing, votes itself “Most Prettiest”.
“I think pearly gates are kind of overdoing it. It costs too much to maintain, visitors will scratch them all up, it just seems like a lot of trouble. What’s wrong with a plain ol’ wooden gate? Or maybe an iron gate, if you’ve got that kind of …

Federal judge rules Defense of Marriage Act is an unconstitutional violation of state’s rights. In a related story, Tea Baggers suddenly find themselves opposed to state’s rights.
“Psychic” animals continue to be curiously fixated on World Cup.
Millionaire’s televised announcement draws large television audience. This is why we can’t have nice things.
San Francisco takes another stab at legislating morality. Lousy hippies

Baby Boom generation continues to screw everything up for everyone else.
Worst-case Gulf Coast scenario now includes catastrophic methane explosion leading to mass extinctions and the total collapse of human civilization. Paging Kubrick and Southern: a gigantic fart may doom mankind.
Author whose book celebrates violence shocked to discover that violent men like his book.
Gay service-members urged not to fill in “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” survey. “Nice try, Gates, but you won’t catch us that easily!” says spokesman.

Sports parents continue to prove themselves to be excellent role models.
Dog protection groups assume anyone will go see the MARMADUKE movie.
America’s top space contractor to fire over 1,000 top scientists and technicians. Experts predict sales increases for giant robot parts, volcanic island bases.
Large corporation displaying the kind of fiscal sense that made the economy what it is today.
Louisiana finally doing something about that turbulent priest.

Pot accuses kettle of being black.
People who have more sex more likely to get sex diseases than people who don’t have quite as much sex. Whoa, far out.
Kids too hip and cynical to take parents’ “don’t let the bedbugs bite” warning to heart learn folly of their ways.
Don’t release that study suggesting tasers are too dangerous and law enforcement officials should reduce their usage of them, bro.

Best Buy punishes the apostates of Apple orthodoxy.
BP uses tax loophole to save $225,000 a day, guaranteeing their board of directors a place against the wall when the revolution comes.
Prince adds “the Internet” to list of things that are “completely over.” List also includes MTV, himself.
Athlete disgraces himself in public display. Oh, sorry…”athlete.”

Lawmakers in state with government run lottery shocked to discover that poor people gamble.
No We Can’t
Stanley Cup marches in Chicago Pride Parade. Mr. and Mrs. Cup promise to love him, no matter what.
Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000. Needless to say, this is probably a fetish for someone.

Nerds in uproar over slightly less porn being available at upcoming convention.
Priest wants to destroy church artwork because angels are totally gay.
Cyborg cat first step in Professor Kittystein’s master plan for global domination.
Couple tries to sell their baby at Wal-Mart. Smart shoppers know the price-per-pound is better at Target.

Federal jury rules that there is apparently a free speech right to free rent. We suggest that you do not attempt this argument with your land-lord.
Syfy Channel preparing adaptation of old Bill Hicks skit.
Pizzeria owner decides hiring a criminal is a great bid for publicity.
Butt Sketch Artist files suit against another Butt Sketch Artist, claiming violation of trademark. Heh. Butts.

Shockingly, pretty people apparently unaware of how genetics works.
Things that will not end well: public school classrooms “sponsered” by churches, gun shops.
New York politician fears taxing cigarettes in New York will aid terrorists attacking…Israel.
Scientists simulate sounds of elementary particles, soon to appear in pretentious DJ mixes.