News Briefs for Friday, February 26

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Mario Spelled Backwards is Oiram

In an article for Philadelphia “Family Newspaper” The Bulletin (no relation), Susan Brinkman makes several video games of varying degrees of popularity sound about a thousand times more awesome than they actually are by insisting that the games contain dangerously irreligious themes.

• Tecmo’s Deception: Invitation To Darkness (Playstation) – Players “make an unholy pact and sell their soul to Satan in exchange for power” with the object of the game being to ensure the resurrection of Satan and obtain his power. (This game is rated “T” for teens.)

• Nocturne (Playstation 2): A game in which the hero (a demon) destroys the three Archangels St. Michael, Gabriel and Raphael, then goes on to destroy God.

• Shadow Hearts (Playstation 2): The hero uses his power to intercept and destroy God and “save the world.” (Some games in this series are rated “T”.)

• Dragon’s Age Origins (Playstation 3/Xbox 360): The game revolves around the story of God going mad and cursing the world. A witch attacks believers and players can “have sex” with her in a pagan act called “blood magic” so she can “give birth to a god.” Another scenario allows players to have sex with a demon in exchange for a boy’s soul.

Curiously absent from the list of problems with the games are interminable cut scenes and hundreds of hours of pointless level grinding.

Frankly, we’re just pleasantly relieved to find a conservative objection to Dragon Age that doesn’t involve complaints about gay elves.

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Analog Gaming: Not Monopoly

When I tell people I read comics, the response I get is usually, “Like Batman?” And you know which (BAM! POW!) Batman they’re thinking of.

Likewise, when I tell people I play boardgames, I often get, “Like Monopoly?”

However, I’m not sure which Monopoly they’re thinking of. Are they thinking of Star Wars Monopoly? I am, after all, something of a Star Wars fan. Of course, I also like comics, too, so it could be the Justice League or Marvel Comics Monopoly. Maybe they’re thinking of Historical Boston Monopoly. Or Coca-Cola Monopoly. Or Hard Rock Cafe Monopoly. Or one of any of the 1794 (and counting) licensed and unlicensed versions of this dreadful game. Whichever one they mean, the answer is no. Not like Monopoly.

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News Briefs for Thursday, February 25

In most awesome story ever, bikers steal pirate skull.

Sgt. Savage enforces traffic regulations in Dorset, misses years spent fighting COBRA.

Real life FIGHT CLUB turns out to be tremendously bad idea.

We would also accept “Snowlocaust,” “Snownami,” or “The Jay Leno Snow.”

Mall scene of incredibly obvious metaphor for Dubai economy.

Lady Gaga scarecrow proves more effective than Madonna, Kylie scarecrows.

Native Americans rake in millions of dollars from oil discovered on tiny bit of their land they’ve been allowed to have.

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News Briefs for Wednesday, February 24

A world-famous lingerie model is believed to run one of the largest drug empires in the world, employing other models to ferry the drugs throughout the world. In related news, the writing staffs of the various Law & Order and CSI franchises have engaged in knife fights to see who gets to write this episode.

Wrong lessons learned from Carrie Prejean’s career arc.

Newton, Mass. ranked 2nd richest American city, states its affection for quirky blue collar suburb from across the tracks is genuine.

Anti-bullying bill advances in Mass. legislature despite opponents’ sharp questions about its masculinity, taste in clothes, and inability to perform a single push-up.

“Big Government” regulators quash the free market once again.

A man accused of shooting a fellow college student had several weapons, including two assault rifles, in his fraternity house. Only when ALL drunken frat boys are armed will there be less shooting.

Navy to allow women on subs. In other news…yes, we just checked, we ARE in the 21st century.

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