Category Archives: The Bulletin

News Briefs for Friday, November 12

Monopoly game leads to shooting. Unfortunately, the bullet missed the game.

Woman accused of trying to sell baby to buy car, in a shocking display of how economic hardships have hit America. You used to be able to get two cars, maybe a small condo for a baby.

GOP governors opposing health-care reform because they hate big government might actually make it easier for the federal government to take over health-care in their states. Oops.

Arizona anti-immigrant law working as intended.

News Briefs for Thursday, November 11

Lou Dobbs will be joining the Fox Business Network’s line-up. “Wow, really? It took that long?” said the year 2001.

Business majors show excellent potential for corporate positions.

Probable head of House Energy Committee denies existence of global warming, cites God’s promise to Noah. Satire officially redundant.

Roy Liechtenstein painting sells for $42.6 million, almost $42.6 million times the page rate of the artist who drew the original panel from which it was swiped.

News Briefs for Wednesday, November 10

New direct path to hell discovered.

Republicans turning on each other, offering hoped-for preview of their plans for the next two years.

On the bright side, several thousand people’s vacation is being extended.

Watchdog group reveals White House doctored data to pursue policy goal. This isn’t unusual, but the fact that the policy worked AGAINST Coporate interests has led some to call for a young priest and an old priest.

News Briefs for Friday, November 5

Every candidate that supported Net Neutrality lost in Tuesday’s election. Well, the internet was fun while it lasted, gang.

Former President admits to war crime. We’ll just sit here and wait patiently for anyone to give a damn.

Republicans plan to use new majority in House to kill DADT repeal, Afghanistan withdrawal. A solid majority of the American public supports DADT repeal and withdrawal from Afghanistan. We’d say that we find this shocking, but “minority rules” has worked so well for the Republican agenda for the last two years.

Radioactive rabbit trapped in Washington nuclear reactor. Gangly nerd bitten by rabbit fails to display evidence of any cool, rabbit-like powers.

News Briefs for Thursday, November 4

President Bush says that criticism from Kanye West was the “all time low” moment of his Presidency. Family doctor gives preliminary diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s.

French police fail to grasp the drama inherent in a good bomb deactivation scene. James Bond would have gotten it down to 7 seconds, maximum.

AT&T plans to bring their telecommunications expertise to the health-care industry. Undertakers plan for busy season.

News Briefs for Wednesday, November 3

Republicans somehow manage to keep a straight face as they promise a new era of limited government and fiscal responsibility.

James Cameron takes swipes at studios that convert 2D films into 3D as part of post-production, announces that he wants to see “classic” films converted into 3D. Nerds, unable to recognize an inherent contradiction when it walks up and bites them on the ass, applaud wildly.

Bland, intellectually unchallenging talk show host attracts primarily conservative audience. Try to contain your surprise.

News Briefs for Friday, October 29

Submitted for your approval: Not only did Halliburton know the concrete mix they supplied for BP’s Macondo oil well was unstable all along, but it turns out “To Serve Man” IS ACTUALLY A COOKBOOK!

Mount Everest climbers can now surf the internet and make video calls through a 3G network. Elevator service to summit Starbucks opens next spring.

TV stations plan to air even more campaign ads, even past election day, due to their lucrative nature. Thanks, Citizens United!