The Bureau Chiefs » The Bulletin

News Briefs for Tuesday, November 30

Dorian — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:00:44 +0000

Man accused of stealing $4.5 million from Columbia University uses “How’d that get there?” defense.

The one kid who seemed to like that smelly kid on the playground actually thinks the kid is pretty smelly.

Mel Brooks prepares another remake of THE PRODUCERS.

News Briefs for Monday, November 29

Dorian — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 22:00:13 +0000

New round of WikiLeaks revelations pretty much fail to surprise anyone.

Congress wants your employer to cancel your insurance in order to save the government money. We’re really at a loss for any comment other than “the bastards.”

Oldthought discarded.

News Briefs for Wednesday, November 24

Dorian — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 22:00:40 +0000

Writing “burning draft card” as FaceBook status proves to be bad idea.

“Charlie Sheen choking porn star in hotel room” story suddenly takes sleazy turn.

Wall Street execs spending big on luxuries, parties again. Hey, how’s your ramen sandwich?

News Briefs for Tuesday, November 23

Dorian — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 22:00:13 +0000

Pope okays use of condoms by male prostitutes; decision hailed by Republican senators.

Producers behind BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER remake look at Whedon’s post-Buffy output, make right decision.

Gary Condit sits and waits in vain for an apology from you assholes.

Behavior of typical comic book fan finally explained.

News Briefs for Monday, November 22

Dorian — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 22:00:37 +0000

Vatican to issue sex abuse guidelines; cattle ranchers close barn doors after 6 billion served at McDonald’s.

Author dead 100 years pens best-seller. Tupac’s estate seethes with envy.

Tea Party, having won midterm elections, turns attention to more pressing matters.

Record number of children exposed to Satanic teachings.

News Briefs for Friday, November 19

Dorian — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:00:21 +0000

Congressman pushes for privatization of airport security procedures, with corporations taking over the system. Naked scans and gropings suddenly sounding a whole lot better.

Raising retirement age hurts poor, would actually cost government more money. “But, it still hurts the poor, right?” asks GOP freshmen.

Italian Prime Minister angers art experts by attaching penis to ancient statue. Rest of the world aches longingly to have Italy’s political controversies.

News Briefs for Thursday, November 18

Dorian — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 22:00:38 +0000

NPR somehow got through the last two major elections thinking that a problem is NOT ENOUGH adults believing in “magical thinking”.

Scientists trap anti-matter. We have absolutely no idea what that means, but we’re nervous anyway.

Possibility of future Trump vs. Palin Presidential race now exists. We’re so fucked.

News Briefs for Wednesday, November 17

Dorian — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 22:00:35 +0000

Republican who opposed health-care reform demands day one free government health care. Irony goes to bed complaining of a headache.

MySpace becomes self-aware, gives in to just being that place you can listen for free to songs you don’t want to buy.

Germany increases airport security in response to terrorism threat; bizarrely doesn’t feel need to grope little girls, take naked pictures of travelers.

News Briefs for Tuesday, November 16

Dorian — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 22:00:36 +0000

Reality concedes to Sarah Palin’s nonsense in what we have to admit is a pretty solid metaphor for her political career.

Vivid Video loses lucrative Presidential cameo to HANGOVER 2.

HARRY POTTER actor now free to win Darwin Award.

FOX News announces Beatles now from Manchester.

News Briefs for Monday, November 15

Dorian — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 22:00:27 +0000

Your annoying, conspiracy theory believing co-worker proven right.

Porpoises save beloved movie and TV star, let hundreds of regular people drown every year.

Search begins for judge who can repeatedly say “What What (In The Butt)” without giggling.