Old photo discovered. Not the oldest photo, or even the oldest photo of a human, just a really old photo. Yes, apparently this is “news.”
Tea Party support for Republican candidates prompting many Republican voters to support Democrats. Whoops.
Indiana cuts budget for social services severely, tells parents of mentally disabled children to drop them off at homeless shelters when aid money stops arriving. We eagerly await discovering which candidate will decide to defend this.

“Hobbit” crisis talks end without resolution. Orc/human tensions remain high as forced evacuations resume along the Helm’s Deep Strip and shellings continue for the fourth straight oh wait we’re talking about moving a fucking movie shoot.
Man who stomped on woman’s head wants woman to apologize to him for making him stomp on her head. Corpse of Orwell acting all smug.
Stunt casting no longer worth the hassle for major franchise.

Democratic Party finds scapegoat for any losses in this years elections.
Unusually high number of special Red Sox license plates go to politician, her friends, family. Her defense: “I wasn’t sure there would be 1500 Red Sox fans in Boston.”
White House meets with gay groups on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, sends out e-mail message warning that meeting will be cut short if groups actually question the White House about their handling of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.
Crocodile causes plane crash. Why he was even flying the plane, we have no …

Barney Frank’s Republican challenger, claiming “no absolute right to serve” in the military, compares gay people to short people. Hate groups set to adopt “Randy Newman Doctrine.”
Black Republican candidates accuse GOP of ignoring them and not helping them get elected. Wait, try to contain your shock.
Randy Quaid and wife flee to Canada after minor crime spree, claiming fear of Hollywood “death list.” Current polls give Quaid a commanding lead in Nevada Senate race.
Mormon parents rejected for leadership positions by Cub Scouts for not being the right kind of Christian. Gay …

GOP candidate says “violent uprising” against the government is “on the table.” But liberals are the real terrorists. Apparently.
Survey finds that two out of three Americans believe anti-gay messages from Churches contribute to suicides of gay youth. Conservative religious leaders shrug, continue to buy Pilate brand hand soap.
Research shows that tough-to-read fonts, including Comic Sans, facilitate learning. Graphic designers quit their jobs en masse, join remote monasteries.

Crazy doomsayers given last minute “out.”
GOP gives up courting Latino voters, creates Spanish-language ad urging Latinos to not even bother to vote. In other news, GOP’s face reports that it doesn’t miss its nose at all.
24,000 people quit state church of Finland within past week over anti-gay policies. American conservatives shocked that religious Finns actually take that whole Matthew 25:40 thing seriously.

Prince Saud Abdulaziz bin Nasser al Saud found guilty of abuse, murder of servant. Fun fact: “Abdulaziz” is Arabic for “Kennedy”.
Bank of America takes “too big to fail” phrase as challenge, loses 7.3 billion dollars–that’s nine zeroes–on a one-time charge in third quarter 2010. You know, on cold nights you can still hear the bailout money screaming…
Wife of Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas thinks Anita Hill should apologize for being sexually harassed by her husband. No, seriously, we wish we were joking.

Facebook to remove anti-gay hate speech from network, assist Sisyphus in reaching top of hill with boulder.
Levi Johnston continues proud Alaskan tradition of running for office without actually having any articulated opinions on policies or issues or whatever.
Youth in France riot over attempt to raise the retirement age. Young people taking on the government over retirement pensions instead of well-heeled elderly people? What sort of crazy, topsy-turvy country are they running over there?

Amid rising anti-”foreigner” sentiment, Chancellor Angela Merkel says attempts to build a multicultural society in Germany have failed, and that immigrants should do more to integrate. In economic news, jackboot futures and Arizona tourism are up.
President Obama to appear on “Mythbusters” television show. Episode will be devoted to explaining what a “birth certificate” is.
Candidate has reporter arrested by private security in order to avoid answering questions about unethical activity. In other news, questions about unethical activity pretty much answered.
THE HANGOVER 2 to feature a cameo from Mel Gibson, in that …

Annoying women become, briefly, slightly less annoying.
Florida car dealer caves in to terrorists.
“I Heart Boobies” bracelets for cancer research raise ire of school administrators. Students absolutely more concerned with increasing funding to fight breast cancer than they are with pissing off adults. Really.