Get the smelling salts handy: incidence of “anchor baby” births may have been exaggerated for political purposes.
Rhetorical questions useful for downplaying the long history of civil rights violations and ethical complaints lodged against controversial Arizona sheriff.
Physicist says something completely non-controversial.
Clearly salmonella outbreak at egg farm can be blamed on overly broad and onerous government regulation. Clearly.
Rock Band video game franchise to add hip-hop tracks to game. Gamers explain that the reason they didn’t buy it was because they have no extra cash this week, not that, you know, they have …

Scotland Yard may have shielded Murdoch newspapers from investigation in hacking scheme. Law enforcement personnel colluding with rabidly right-wing media? How utterly, utterly, utterly unheard of.
BBC examines reasons why donations for flood relief in Pakistan have been so slow to arrive. Yeah, they’re pretty much EXACTLY what you’d expect.
High ratings for Deepwater Horizon story prompts sequel.
Newspapers running articles on stupid things young people do pretty much just catering to their remaining audience.

Colleges worried that taking photos of young, well-muscled athletes posing shirtless, smeared with baby oil, flexing their muscles and gazing longingly into the camera, might send the wrong message.
Solar activity may affect rates of radioactive decay, therefore the Shroud of Turin is real.
Major global-warming skeptic now admits that global-warming is a serious threat. “This is totally not about selling my new book now that sales of my anti-global-warming book have dried up,” scientist claims.
Boy Scouts continue proud tradition of touching young men’s lives.
CEOs at companies that laid off most workers …

YouTube planning pay-per-view service for feature films. YouTube commentators looking forward to calling “UniversalStudios” a faggot.
University of California president’s housing costs schools $600,000. U.C. schools planning tuition hikes.
Parents fear anti-bullying policy might give children the mistaken idea that it is wrong to pick on others because they are different.
Giant inflatable turtle helps rally support for California ban on plastic grocery bags. Future generations to remember mascot as “that big turtle thing that’s been sitting in the landfill for 500 years.”
Gaddafi comeback bid hinges on $6 billion “white Europe” extortion scheme, …

Oppressed minority holds rally, panics the establishment.
Saturday Night Live continues to demonstrate its relevance to contemporary culture by casting three white comics for new season.
Porn actress discusses her atheism in interview; Christian porn stars decry mainstream media for lack of coverage.
American child athletes increasingly unable to “walk it off,” will never win the championship with that attitude.

American Airlines has been hit with a record $24.2 million fine over lapses in basic maintenance that caused thousands of canceled flights. In other news, American Airlines will be thinking up some new ticket fees soon!
Facebook child porn ringleader gets four years in jail, which could delay his taking of the priestly vows by up to 48 months.
Bristol Palin continues current career trajectory.
Makers of razor blades, tall buildings project record profits.

Non-religious doctors more likely to discuss end-of-life care with terminally ill patients. Countdown to opportunistic politicians screaming about “death panels” in 5…4…3…
Large group of people bringing negative attention to China mysteriously vanish. What? In China? I’m sure their government had nothing to do with it.
Your move, Inglourious Basterds.
Cuba ends cigarette subsidy for old folks. Total Batista move, Castro.

Canadian company to remake Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke.
Ticketmaster decides that what people don’t like about their absurd surcharges is the order in which they are presented.
NPR decides that Sarah Palin being influential in Alaska is somehow surprising; suggests the media cover this “Tea Party” more.
For the second year in a row, the publisher for Penthouse Magazine has been ranked the fastest-growing magazine publisher in America. New York Times to experiment with “tits below the fold” format.

Pennsylvania finally leads way in something.
One more piece of FRIENDS reunion falls into place.
Rush hour commuters on 101 Freeway no longer allowed to complain.
Hey, at the very least we get to throw the word “topless” onto our website, and that should be good for some page views and ad displays.
Populace encouraged by New World Order to receive mandatory injections of tracking microchips.

Comic fans show usual regard for ethical issues.
CNN asks most easily answered rhetorical question ever.
Alligator found in New York sewer, Snopes goes into “damage control” mode.
Los Angeles builds nation’s most expensive school; James Cameron to direct.