Every candidate that supported Net Neutrality lost in Tuesday’s election. Well, the internet was fun while it lasted, gang.
Former President admits to war crime. We’ll just sit here and wait patiently for anyone to give a damn.
Republicans plan to use new majority in House to kill DADT repeal, Afghanistan withdrawal. A solid majority of the American public supports DADT repeal and withdrawal from Afghanistan. We’d say that we find this shocking, but “minority rules” has worked so well for the Republican agenda for the last two years.
Radioactive rabbit trapped in …

President Bush says that criticism from Kanye West was the “all time low” moment of his Presidency. Family doctor gives preliminary diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer’s.
French police fail to grasp the drama inherent in a good bomb deactivation scene. James Bond would have gotten it down to 7 seconds, maximum.
AT&T plans to bring their telecommunications expertise to the health-care industry. Undertakers plan for busy season.

Republicans somehow manage to keep a straight face as they promise a new era of limited government and fiscal responsibility.
James Cameron takes swipes at studios that convert 2D films into 3D as part of post-production, announces that he wants to see “classic” films converted into 3D. Nerds, unable to recognize an inherent contradiction when it walks up and bites them on the ass, applaud wildly.
Bland, intellectually unchallenging talk show host attracts primarily conservative audience. Try to contain your surprise.

Further Reading
BP oil disaster: Pre-spill tests ‘showed cement flaw’
BP back to profit after oil spill
Spill Cleanup Proceeds Amid Mistrust
Standards for Gulf’s Catch Put to Sniff Test After Spill

Tea Party candidates will vote with GOP. We’ll give you time to pick your jaw off the floor from that sudden, unexpected shock.
Stocks rise as businesses, investors, look forward to having even more control over Congress and its agenda.
Sporting event concludes.

Dr. Frankenstein realizes too late that he has created a monster.
Study finds that alcohol is the most harmful of all drugs, more harmful to users and society than heroin or crack. Kappa Beta claims findings are faulty.
National Enquirer bankrupt. Apparently you can go broke underestimating the intelligence of the public after all.

Submitted for your approval: Not only did Halliburton know the concrete mix they supplied for BP’s Macondo oil well was unstable all along, but it turns out “To Serve Man” IS ACTUALLY A COOKBOOK!
Mount Everest climbers can now surf the internet and make video calls through a 3G network. Elevator service to summit Starbucks opens next spring.
TV stations plan to air even more campaign ads, even past election day, due to their lucrative nature. Thanks, Citizens United!

Old photo discovered. Not the oldest photo, or even the oldest photo of a human, just a really old photo. Yes, apparently this is “news.”
Tea Party support for Republican candidates prompting many Republican voters to support Democrats. Whoops.
Indiana cuts budget for social services severely, tells parents of mentally disabled children to drop them off at homeless shelters when aid money stops arriving. We eagerly await discovering which candidate will decide to defend this.

“Hobbit” crisis talks end without resolution. Orc/human tensions remain high as forced evacuations resume along the Helm’s Deep Strip and shellings continue for the fourth straight oh wait we’re talking about moving a fucking movie shoot.
Man who stomped on woman’s head wants woman to apologize to him for making him stomp on her head. Corpse of Orwell acting all smug.
Stunt casting no longer worth the hassle for major franchise.

Further Reading
Tea Party climate change deniers funded by BP and other major polluters
European Energy Companies Funding Climate Skeptic Campaigns in the U.S.
‘U.S.’ Chamber Of Commerce Is Fueled By Foreign Oil