Tales of Culinary Madness: The Shortest Ribs of All

As a child I was a paste eater.  As an adult I lived an entire year on nothing but caramel bullseyes and canned ice tea. I have consumed many things in my lifetime; some of which even bore a remote resemblance to actual food.

The purpose of this occasional feature (besides getting that Ken Lowery dude off my back) is to chronicle my ongoing experiences with the lower end of the gastronomic spectrum, and share the pain and pleasure (but mostly pain) with you, my humble readers.

I’m going to kick off my adventures in bottomfeeding with a recent and unexpected favorite of mine.  When fellow Bureau Chief Benjamin Birdie informed me that Burger King had introduced BBQ ribs to its menu, I was both horrified and intrigued – so much so, that I headed down to the local franchise in order to experience these delicacies firsthand.

I went in expecting something along the lines of the McDonald’s McRib — extruded meat product pressed into vaguely rib-like shapes — but what I got were bona fide ribs-on-the-bone…

…albeit rather small ones, as illustrated by this visual comparison with a 1971 Dodge Demon Hot Wheels car:

Despite diminutive size of the individual ribs, the meat was tender, flavorful, and lacked the high levels of gristle and fat I’ve come to associate with cheapjack ribs.  Granted, it’s nothing that will impress any connoisseur of authentic BBQ cuisine, but what are the odds such an individual is going to hit a Burger King drive-thru in search of his or her carnivorous fix?

My only real issue with the BK rib meal package is its lack of more appropriate side options in place of the customary fries or onion rings.  I’m not certain I’d really want to experience the chain’s take on cole slaw or simulated cornbread product, but it would have been nice to have that choice to make.

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