News Briefs for Wednesday, March 17

Tiger Woods to return to golf at the Masters. He’ll hit six holes-in-
one, finish 23 under par and cure cancer with his smile, but we’ll all pretty much still be talking about his dick.

Balding suspect accused of stealing 23 bottles of Rogaine. We’re pretty much going to let that stand on its own.

Dallas police mistakenly sent 123 bags of illegal drugs to the CityStore, where the PD sells seized items at discount prices. In related news, PARTY AT RAY’S! WOOOOOOOOO!

Prison guard fired for saying gays should be executed, slavery should be legal, and dinosaurs are the offspring of woman raped by satanic angels. Why, yes, he was from Texas.

French TV documentary follows people in a staged game show who inflict
what they are told is near-lethal torture upon rival contestants. FOX test audiences torn between love of torture and hatred of France.

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