Ah, movie trailers. What was once a mere promotional tool for getting the word out about hot new movies has become something of a phenomenon itself. Just ask those of us who saw Wing Commander to see the Phantom Menace trailer back in the day. We’re still looking into reparations for that whole thing.
Like the movies they sell, trailers have fallen into their own predictable tropes, so it becomes that much harder to discern a movie’s true worth behind the trailer editor’s bag o’ tricks. Here, Bureau Chiefs Dorian Wright …

Carly Simon reveals clue to identity of man in “You’re So Vain,” remains quiet on the location of Captain Yellowbeard’s treasure.
Girl Scout cookie maker Little Brownies Baker are recalling their lemon creme cookie due to strange smell and taste. James Lentz, President of Toyota Motor Sales, U.S.A., was seen fleeing the scene.
“Tea Party” mostly middle-aged white men. In a related story, kittens mostly fluffy and adorable.
California would like you to cut back on the fucking cussing.

In an article for Philadelphia “Family Newspaper” The Bulletin (no relation), Susan Brinkman makes several video games of varying degrees of popularity sound about a thousand times more awesome than they actually are by insisting that the games contain dangerously irreligious themes.
• Tecmo’s Deception: Invitation To Darkness (Playstation) – Players “make an unholy pact and sell their soul to Satan in exchange for power” with the object of the game being to ensure the resurrection of Satan and obtain his power. (This game is rated “T” for teens.)
• Nocturne (Playstation …

When I tell people I read comics, the response I get is usually, “Like Batman?” And you know which (BAM! POW!) Batman they’re thinking of.
Likewise, when I tell people I play boardgames, I often get, “Like Monopoly?”
However, I’m not sure which Monopoly they’re thinking of. Are they thinking of Star Wars Monopoly? I am, after all, something of a Star Wars fan. Of course, I also like comics, too, so it could be the Justice League or Marvel Comics Monopoly. Maybe they’re thinking of Historical Boston Monopoly. Or Coca-Cola Monopoly. …

In most awesome story ever, bikers steal pirate skull.
Sgt. Savage enforces traffic regulations in Dorset, misses years spent fighting COBRA.
Real life FIGHT CLUB turns out to be tremendously bad idea.
We would also accept “Snowlocaust,” “Snownami,” or “The Jay Leno Snow.”
Mall scene of incredibly obvious metaphor for Dubai economy.
Lady Gaga scarecrow proves more effective than Madonna, Kylie scarecrows.
Native Americans rake in millions of dollars from oil discovered on tiny bit of their land they’ve been allowed to have.

Somewhere in Australia a gal has decided to show us how edgy she is by taking pictures of herself at an aquarium dressed as some character from some video game her boyfriend won’t shut up about.
Dollars to donuts there are pictures of her sitting in a bathtub in an old house wearing a gas mask somewhere on the internet.

A world-famous lingerie model is believed to run one of the largest drug empires in the world, employing other models to ferry the drugs throughout the world. In related news, the writing staffs of the various Law & Order and CSI franchises have engaged in knife fights to see who gets to write this episode.
Wrong lessons learned from Carrie Prejean’s career arc.
Newton, Mass. ranked 2nd richest American city, states its affection for quirky blue collar suburb from across the tracks is genuine.
Anti-bullying bill advances in Mass. legislature despite opponents’ sharp …